Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just found puke in my bra..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize