did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
