He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
