You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
