She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
