nut hugger
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
