i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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