Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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