it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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