I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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