Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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