He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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