You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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