seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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