I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
