man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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