I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
