Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
