i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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