Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
