Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
