Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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