I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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