everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
