It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
These tits shall not be calmed
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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