he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
