I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
