Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
