is your mom at the bar?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
