connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
