I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
