I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
