Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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