i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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