We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
