sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
