did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
