so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
