I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
