New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
