my sisters under your porch take her home
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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