i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
