Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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