Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
