Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
