God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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