you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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