Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
