so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
