He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
