halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
