Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
