I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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