i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
