Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
