Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize