I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
