I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
